说起黑暗这东西,你说它到底是个啥呢?是晚上关了灯屋里那片伸手不见五指,还是心里头突然冒出来的一股子说不清道不明的憋闷?我总觉得这玩意儿挺狡猾的,有时候藏在衣柜缝里,有时候躲在床底下,更多时候啊,就悄悄趴在你后脖颈子上,你一回头,它又没影了。
记得小时候怕黑怕得厉害,那会儿住老房子,楼道里的灯时好时坏,每次放学晚了,爬楼梯都跟闯鬼屋似的。脚底下的台阶像是活的,踩上去总觉得会突然空一截,手里攥着书包带能攥出一手汗,眼睛瞪得溜圆,可越使劲看,那片黑就越浓,浓得能拧出墨来。有一回走到三楼,头顶的灯泡“滋啦”一声灭了,我吓得嗷一嗓子蹲在地上,后来是对门张奶奶听见动静,举着个手电筒出来接我,那束光打在楼梯扶手上,把我的影子拉得老长,可我还是不敢动,总觉得黑暗里有什么东西正盯着我,呼哧呼哧地喘气。
后来长大了点,开始觉得黑暗其实也没那么可怕,甚至有时候还挺亲切。比如夏天的晚上,搬个小马扎坐在院子里,天完全黑透了,星星一颗一颗冒出来,蚊子在耳边嗡嗡叫,远处传来谁家电视的声音。这时候的黑暗是软乎乎的,像盖了层薄被子,把白天的吵闹都裹进去了。我妈总爱在这时候跟我念叨家常,说她年轻时候的事,说我小时候的糗事,黑暗里看不清她的表情,可听着声音就觉得踏实,好像那些烦恼啊、委屈啊,一到黑夜里就变轻了,顺着风飘走了。
再后来上了大学,住集体宿舍,有时候半夜醒了,宿舍里一片黑,只能听见室友们均匀的呼吸声,还有窗外马路上偶尔开过的汽车声。这时候的黑暗就有点不一样了,它像是个沉默的倾听者,你心里那些说不出口的事儿,那些白天里装出来的坚强,在黑暗里都能卸下来。我经常在这时候睁着眼睛看天花板,明明什么都看不见,可脑子里却跟放电影似的,一会儿是没考好的试卷,一会儿是跟朋友闹别扭的场景,一会儿又想起老家院子里的那棵石榴树。黑暗就那么静静地待着,不催你,也不评价你,就陪着你,直到天边慢慢泛起鱼肚白。
你说黑暗到底是好是坏呢?有时候它确实挺吓人的,比如走夜路的时候,总觉得身后有人跟着,回头一看又啥都没有,那股子寒意能从脚底板直窜天灵盖。可有时候啊,它又挺温柔的,比如你受了委屈,不想让别人看见你哭,就可以躲进黑暗里,让眼泪随便流,反正没人看见。它不像白天那么亮堂,把什么都照得清清楚楚,连一点瑕疵都藏不住,黑暗里呢,大家都差不多,谁也不用给谁装样子。
前阵子跟朋友去山里露营,到了晚上,四周一点光都没有,连手机信号都没了。刚开始还觉得新鲜,围着篝火聊天,后来火灭了,那才叫真正的黑暗呢,黑得纯粹,黑得彻底,伸手不见五指都不足以形容,感觉自己就像掉进了墨水里。朋友说有点害怕,我却觉得挺舒服,抬头能看见满天的星星,密密麻麻的,比城市里亮多了,风一吹过树林,沙沙作响,像是黑暗在跟你说话。那时候突然明白,其实黑暗从来都不是什么坏东西,它只是白天的另一面,就像硬币的正反面,少了谁都不行。
现在有时候加班到很晚,走在回家的路上,路灯照着空荡荡的街道,影子被拉得忽长忽短。这时候的黑暗里带着点疲惫,也带着点释然,知道过了这一夜,明天太阳又会照常升起。有时候也会想起小时候那个怕黑的自己,忍不住想笑,那时候总觉得黑暗里藏着怪物,其实啊,真正的怪物从来都不在黑暗里,而在自己心里。当你敢直面那片黑的时候,它就变成了你的朋友,陪着你走过那些难走的路。
说到底,黑暗这东西,就跟生活里的那些不如意一样,你躲不开,也逃不掉,与其害怕它,不如试着跟它相处。说不定哪天你就会发现,在那片黑里,藏着你从未见过的星星呢。
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